I have been away and I never left home.
It has been a difficult 2017 so far for me. I have had other years that have not been good. The year I had shingles. The year I had acute kidney failure and a colon resection. The year I had a brain bleed, a brain aneurysm coiled , embolization therapy, brain surgery, depression, PTSD, and extreme physical sickness for months on end. The year I seriously considered suicide as an answer to my physical pain. The year my vision went haywire. The year I had a very painful foot injury. The next year when my foot injury was compounded by a very large electric door at a grocery store that malfunctioned, hit me and threw me into the wall.
Over the years a number of my friends have died and I was unable to go pay my respects because of illness. Thus leaving a void in my life because I had no closure. There are so many more things that had clouded my life. So many disappointments.
This year has been a bit different for me. Maybe you can relate. So many family members living though the nightmare named cancer. Watching the world go insane. Trying to do the right thing but always coming up short. Dealing with physical and emotional fallout from ones illness. Trying to get someone, anyone listen to you, to understand you. Things going wrong on a daily basis stealing ones joy, bringing them to the point of, who cares anymore, whatever. This has been my year so far.
There have been blessings, bright spots through out 2017. They keep me going. Time spent with family and friends. An unexpected visit from friends not seen in years. A sibling day at my house. A day out just my husband and I. A chance meeting at the grocery store with another friend not seen in years. A beautiful sunrise or sunset. A rainbow. Music. A new book. A smile. God sprinkles blessing in everyone’s life.
I never left home and feel as though I have been away. As though life around me was continuing with me following along, or dragged along. I would call it surreal. I have been sleeping on average 9 to 10, sometimes 12 hours a day and I don’t know why. I am so tired, fatigued, weary, with no energy, none. Sometimes I cannot process what people say. I can’t think straight. Daily chores around the house are done by shear will power. I force myself. I struggle to stay awake at times. No longer am I interested in much of anything. So what’s up with that? I feel my illness of 21 years ago is taking over my life, my limitations that I once had no problem dealing with are magnified and I don’t know how to handle them anymore.
I battle in my mind constantly. I pray constantly. Sometimes I find myself holding my breath and don’t know why. I don’t smile and laugh like I once did. Something has shifted in my life and don’t know what it is or why.
So part of me wants some answers and part of me just wants to not care. Let others continue to drag me along in life, who cares? Then my rational self says, wake up, get some answers, rejoin life again. My mind battles to decide which choice to make.
I have spoken with my primary doctor and I have a November appointment with a neurologist. I am praying he can shed some light on what is happening to me.
I do want to continue to participate in my life. I hope and pray if your life shifts as mine has that you to will seek to find answers no matter what anyone says!