Life Continues

I have been away and I never left home.

It has been a difficult 2017 so far for me. I have had other years that have not been good. The year I had shingles. The year I had acute kidney failure and a colon resection. The year I had a brain bleed, a brain aneurysm coiled , embolization therapy, brain surgery, depression, PTSD, and extreme physical sickness for months on end. The year I seriously considered suicide as an answer to my physical pain. The year my vision went haywire. The year I had a very painful foot injury. The next year when my foot injury was compounded by a very large electric door at a grocery store that malfunctioned, hit me and threw me into the wall.

Over the years a number of my friends have died and I was unable to go pay my respects because of illness. Thus leaving a void in my life because I had no closure. There are so many more things that had clouded my life. So many disappointments.

This year has been a bit different for me. Maybe you can relate. So many family members living though the nightmare named cancer. Watching the world go insane. Trying to do the right thing but always coming up short. Dealing with physical and emotional fallout from ones illness. Trying to get someone, anyone listen to you, to understand you. Things going wrong on a daily basis stealing ones joy, bringing them to the point of, who cares anymore, whatever. This has been my year so far.

There have been blessings, bright spots through out 2017. They keep me going. Time spent with family and friends. An unexpected visit from friends not seen in years. A sibling day at my house. A day out just my husband and I. A chance meeting at the grocery store with another friend not seen in years.  A beautiful sunrise or sunset. A rainbow. Music. A new book. A smile. God sprinkles blessing in everyone’s life.

I never left home and feel as though I have been away. As though life around me was continuing with me following along, or dragged along. I would call it surreal. I have been sleeping on average 9 to 10, sometimes 12 hours a day and I don’t know why. I am so tired, fatigued, weary, with no energy, none. Sometimes I cannot process what people say. I can’t think straight. Daily chores around the house are done by shear will power. I force myself. I struggle to stay awake at times. No longer am I interested in much of anything. So what’s up with that? I feel my illness of 21 years ago is taking over my life, my limitations that I once had no problem dealing with are magnified and I don’t know how to handle them anymore.

I battle in my mind constantly. I pray constantly. Sometimes I find myself holding my breath and don’t know why. I don’t smile and laugh like I once did. Something has shifted in my life and don’t know what it is or why.

So part of me wants some answers and part of me just wants to not care. Let others continue to drag me along in life, who cares? Then my rational self says, wake up, get some answers, rejoin life again. My mind battles to decide which choice to make.

I have spoken with my primary doctor and I have a November appointment with a neurologist. I am praying he can shed some light on what is happening to me.

I do want to continue to participate in my life. I hope and pray if your life shifts as mine has that you to will seek to find answers no matter what anyone says!

 

 

 

 

 

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It Seems Like Just Yesterday

Sometimes it seems like just yesterday I was driving a car, or going for a long walk, maybe even traveling. I used to drive myself to work. Well those days are long gone. Illness has taken them from me. The good news is that I have new things I can do.

Illness may have taken what we used to do from us but I hope you are in some ways like me and refuse to go quietly into a life of feeling sorry for yourself. I never will fall into that trap ever again. It led me to depression and thoughts of suicide. It is a dangerous place to be and always something to look out for. Depression with come upon you subtly. You won’t even recognize it until it is too late. Once you have had and have overcome depression, then you will know the warning signs of depression and you can ward them off in time. I keep on the look out for new opportunities, new horizons. I look for smiles and quiet times, happy times.

My world fell apart when depression struck. I felt as though everything I cherished had been taken from me and I was too weak to fight back. I sought help. I saw a Christian counselor for 11 months and I also took anti-depressants for a period of time. I did not want to take the drugs but I was in such a precarious state of mind that they were necessary. Physical illness not only effects a person physically but emotionally also.

I want to encourage you to look up. To smile. To learn to be happy within the circumstances of your life with illness. It can be done. It is certainly no easy task. It can be years in the making and may take assistance from others to achieve. Life can look better to you today than it did yesterday!

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Desperate Thoughts

This is an article I wrote a few years back. I wanted to share it with you today.

Desperate Thoughts
I’m thinking to much, I have too many problems, I have too much
time on my hands since my illness and on it goes.
I’m alive but who really cares? Why does everything hurt, my head
hurts, my body hurts. my lings are hurt, my life in general hurts
me. I can’t seem to bring a mile to my face or anyone else’s. Where
has my happiness gone? y can’t I find it? Do I even care if I find it?
I don’t think anyone else cares if I find it.
I used to love , the business of it, waking up each morning to
greet a new day, to greet whatever God had planned for me that day
What’s wrong with me now? I no longer wish to greet a new day at all.
I want all of my life to be over and done with. No more new days,
please for God’s sake stop the business! I don’t want to do anything,
just let me be. Leave me alone!
Does this sound familiar to you? I’ve been to the dank pit of
depression; i have considered suicide as an option to end the madness
in my life, what I perceived as madness at the time. I bought into the
lie of suicide, Satan’s lie, his option for me. Then out of the darkness I
sought help in the form of Christian counseling, this put me back on
the road to the happiness God had planned for my life.
Have you ever heard of PTSD, known as Post Traumatic Stress
Disorder? My life was broken into pieces by PTSD, I had too many
changes in my life in a short period of time and had suffered a great
trauma through illness. This is my story but PTSD is not exclusive to
illness. Trauma such as our military see every day can lead to PTSD.
One must seek help to survive, to recoup the life they had and can
have once again.
Suicide is Satan’s option, never God’s. God would have us to live happy
productive lives. The dark helplessness in life comes from Satan, the
one y,rho will use any tactic he can to end the life of a child of God, or
anyone. Suicide ls a lie from the pit of hell, it is meant to stop your life
and by stopping your life, the lives of others, of loved ones, are left
undone, forever changed because you are no longer there to impact
their lives.
God wants you to survive, to fight for your life. Pray, seek God, seek
help, keep going, be determined to leave the lie of suicide behind. God
never promised any of us that life would be easy. This world we live in
is rampant with evil, its everywhere. Its in the streets we live on, its in
the work place, its in our children’s schools, when we turn on the
television or radio, its there, answering the telephone can bring evil to
our ears, the places we see evil are endless and evil has a loud voice.
When enough evil is let into our lives we as Christians become
desensitized to it. The line between good and evil, right and wrong
blurs and if left unchecked will overtake our life, Leading to suicidal
thoughts.
Keeping close to God and His word will remind us where the line lies.
Once we recognize evil for what it is, when we can see the devastation
that it brings, then and only then can we apply God’s word to it
speaking to it and overcome it.
Dark days will become a part of our past and the sun will again shine
bright in our lives.

We All Need Someone

It is definitely true that we all need someone. I find this a necessity with illness. Let’s face it not every day is a good day. Feeling isolated in illness is a terrible thing. It can lead to depression or suicide. So pick your head up and look around. You are not the only one who feels alone. For years I have prayed for a way to reach people to encourage them to survive illness. I may have my answer in blogging. I pray it is so. Like you illness has many limitations in my life that keep me home alone most of the time. Unlike many people I love being home alone. Yes I do like company and to hear from friends and family.  However I learned the hard way, through depression and illness to like my own company. During the time at home alone I can pursue my passions. Such as reading Christian novels, writing books, poems, booklets and articles. I also enjoy gardening and canning, taking photographs of anything I can. I like decorating our home, I love a good movie or an old western rerun. I find and refurbish doll cradles and sew homemade quilts and pillows for them, I make glass art in the form of flowers. I love being in our kitchen trying new recipes. I take care of our home, Simon our rescue cat, our chickens and rescue rooster, five O’clock Charlie too. I plain love being creative and caring.

I know what you are going to say, I’m not well enough to do anything. My response; unless you are on deaths door there is always something you can do. I have been at deaths door. I have a large amount of limitations and medical issues. None of them stop me, not for long anyway. Pursue something in life, even if it seems small to you. To someone else it my be huge. This brings me back to we all need someone. Look beyond yourself and find someone. Send them a card, a note, a phone call, flowers and so on.

Don’t be alone especially if you want to! Wanting to be alone leaves you alone. It leaves you open to depression and suicide. Never close the door and leave yourself open to destruction. Life is worth the effort!

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One of my creations

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Five O’clock Charlie and our hens

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Simon Kitty

 

 

That was yesterday

Yesterday and the day before I was fine. I did something I never thought I would do. My husband and I went to our grandson’s moving up ceremony! It was over an hour’s drive, then the ceremony at school. He moved up from 4th grade to 5th grade. We stayed and visited with our son and his family. Our daughter in law and son made dinner. Then the long drive home with our second grandson to drop him off with his mother. He is five and talks non-stop. He asks all kinds of questions.

It was a very long day but I did it! Needless to say I was exhausted when we arrived home. That was 2 days ago and yesterday was also a busy day. We live in the country and the drive to get groceries takes us about 30 minutes. So I had two very busy days once you add in taking care of our chickens, our cat, Simon , the house, bills, cooking, and so on.

The slight headaches were never far away, neither was the pressure in my head. Thanks to my husband’s help I made it through the crowd attending the moving up ceremony. My vision problems and balance issues make navigating an issue in areas I have never been. The big news is I did it!

Today I am exhausted, trying to do all the things that need doing. I have to rest frequently and tell myself that if I can’t get something done its okay. Talking to yourself when you are ill is different than just plain talking to yourself. You have to be your own best cheerleader by telling yourself its okay. Life is what it is with illness and changes are normal.

Since my life-threatening illness I have a sense of urgency. It can be frustrating not to be able to do all of the things in life you want to. That is living with illness. The difficulty lies in not letting illness get you down. It by no means is easy to smile or embrace the new day when pain and limitations from illness rage around you constantly. It is a conscious decision you have to make every day. As much as your loved ones try to help, they just don’t get what you are going through. It takes a strong person to live with illness. I am happy to be able to share stories of my illness in hopes that you can be a strong person within  the illness that has invaded your life.

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Simon Kitty

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Five O’Clock Charlie and the girls

 

Some Days Just Aren’t So Great.

I know I am blessed to wake up in the morning. To be able to feed and take care of myself after everything I have been through. Some days though beyond the daily necessities of life I would just like a normal day. A day with no headaches, a day with no pressure in my head, a day where my stomach doesn’t feel awful, a day with no acid reflux, a day I don’t have to give thought to drinking enough water for my kidneys, a day with normal vision, a day I can drive, a day my plantar Fasciitis doesn’t hurt, a day I don’t need to lose a few pounds, a day I’m not off balance or dizzy, a day with no fatigue, a day my husband doesn’t need to worry about me being home alone, (which I love by the way) a day where money isn’t an issue. I would love a normal pleasant day.

That isn’t my life any more. Never would I have believed my life would be one of illness. It has been an interesting and eye opening 21 years since I suffered an illness that threatened to take my life. Ups and downs, sometimes one illness after another with little time to rest in between. Then again a year or two in between illness. Try this medication, try that medication. Then the word STOP rips from my mouth. Back up, leave me alone! I need some quiet time. I stop take time to rest and sleep, then I’m off again.

Once I said I was overwhelmed but NO more. I just step back, gather my thoughts and stand strong again with God’s help. I will never give up or into suicide. Nope not me. I may be down at times but never am I out and you shouldn’t be either. Hear me when I say from personal experience, your loved ones will not be better off without you. No matter what illness plagues your life, life is worth the effort. New ways to cope are always being discovered, new treatments to help but ultimately it is your mind set that makes the difference. Deep down I know you really want to live just like I do. If something in your life isn’t working look for a way to make it work, seek an alternative, seek God for help, pray, embrace the life you have. You never know who may be watching.

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Looking Forward

I try to always look forward in my life. Illness takes up unwanted time and effort. I try to be my best for family members even when, which is often, I don’t feel like it.

I have been back and forth so many times about taking my blog, Lollipops and Rainbows, into the money making arena. Is this what God wants me to do? Will I have sufficient time and energy to devote to the blog? Will it take away from family time? Can I really do it? Will my illness’s interfere with my doing a good job maintaining the blog? My main goal in life has always been to help others. So if I can do that through blogging, why not just do it?  I need to be sure Gods urging me forward. At times I think He is then other times I’m not so sure. Am I second guessing myself? Could be.

Enough of self-doubt, back to business. Never let illness take over your life and stop you from doing that which God has called you to. Guess I just answered my own questions. LOL. Always forge ahead despite illness and pain. God will always make a way for you. I usually forge ahead in different ways. Some days are super busy. Finding a new recipe to make. Or a new craft to do. Find your passion I say! Live life with a purpose. You are still here, you are still alive! Passions do not have to be a big production. They are things you love to do. I love to write. Books, booklets, children’s stories and on and on. I thought to have my writings published but money is always tight or non-existent. I look for ways to overcome the lack of money. If illness has torn you from you passion, find a new one you can do. Get up, get going and smile.

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